Sun-starved Canucks cause confusion, polar(izing) vortex angst in Nicoya Peninsula
MAL PAÍS — As the western hemisphere continues to dig itself out of the pandemic version of a polar vortex, Costa Ricans breathed a sigh of relief this week after what was first thought to be snowfall on a local beach was actually just pasty Canadian tourists.
Billy and Barbara Williams of Saskatchewan said they were startled when masked local children started groping their backs and thighs as they laid on the beach, mistaking the Canadians’ sheet-white winter skin for compacted snow, the ideal material for making snowballs.
“To be fair, with N-95 masks on, we do look a lot like snowmen,” Barbara said as she shielded her sunscreen bottle from the glow of her legs. “Regina is a place where the sun really don’t shine much and we’ve been inside almost a full year. We’re as white as Canadian Cabinet members right now.”
As anxiety about the possible snowfall subsided in Costa Rica, “PastyGate” – as it’s being called in the local press – is now serving as a moment of vindication for climate change deniers, who had been scouring the deep web in search of evidence of previous snowfall in Tiquicia.
“Every aberrational weather event these days just gives liberals more motivation to start banging their climate change drums like it’s a freaking Greenpeace rally,” Stacee Bradlee said at a Make Costa Warm Again rally in Mal País. “Thank goodness it was just a flock of crazy snowbird Canucks trying to get some sun on their polar bear bodies.”