WASHINGTON D.C. – NAFTA negotiations between the U.S., Canada and Mexico will likely only conclude when mankind ceases to exist or if extraterrestrial raids breed unity among humans that leads to the dissolution of international borders, according to two sources with direct knowledge of the trilateral talks.
Despite international news outlets tripping over themselves to produce the next bit of meaningless incremental coverage on the mind-numbingly boring trade pact, a renegotiated NAFTA agreement in this lifetime is about as plausible as a “Unicorn owned and operated water park in Siberia” or a “household kitchen knife being elected Senator,” according to one of the sources.
“Today it is an 80 percent chance of completion, last week it was ‘in principle,’ tomorrow it will be some other idiom like ‘a done deal’ or ‘a slam dunk’ that outlets will deem ‘exclusive’ or ‘breaking,’” one source said. “It’s really just a distraction to manipulate currencies and help Trump appear he is making good on campaign promises while out playing golf. It pains me to say it, but he might be a genius.”