MEXICO CITY — Former Mexican President Vicente Fox announced today that he has a rare disorder known as “Trump Induced Tourette’s Syndrome,” or TITS, in which every time he hears the name or sees an image of Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump, he involuntarily screams vulgarities and suffers mild convulsions.
“The condition was originally diagnosed by doctors as just visceral hatred for a bigoted, sexist, fascist, moron,” Fox said this morning at a Mexico City press conference. “But the more his popularity surged and the more I heard the name Trump, the more I cursed that mutha fu¢kn hate-mongering piece of baboon $h!t.”
Fox’s revelation of the rare condition follows his remarks last week in which he compared the fish faced billionaire to Germany’s genocidal dictator Adolf Hitler and said in an interview that he “is not going to pay for the fu¢kn wall” Trump has promised to build along the border between Mexico and the U.S. The ex-President said he realized the eruptions might be a certifiable medical condition after learning Trump was requesting an apology for Fox’s use of the F-word in recent television appearances.
“I went fu¢kn bat $h!t mutha fu¢kn berserk when I heard that racist, misogynist, ¢ø¢k-$møking despot wanted an apology,” Fox said as he began to convulse. He then stepped back from the podium to collect himself as the TITS outburst passed.
“See what I mean?” He asked the crowd. “This pinche idiota Trump is ruining my maldita life.”
To treat Fox’s condition and limit further expletive explosions, doctors have prescribed regular dosage of medical peyote and ayahuasca in hopes that a constant hallucinogenic state will lead him to a calming spiritual revelation that Trump is actually just a belligerent orangutan, as hypothesized by comedian Bill Maher. Fox has also been encouraged to try microdosing, or small ingestion of drugs throughout the course of the day, to distract himself from the horrifying reality that Donald Mutha Fu¢kn Trump is actually a viable threat to win the U.S. presidency. Fu¢k.