Obama to Adopt Marshawn Lynch Crotch Grab In Response to Republican Criticism

Boehner Grab!

Boehner Grab!

Also plans to sport Beast Mode apparel at press conferences

WASHINGTON D.C. — Inspired by the obstinate behavior of Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch in recent weeks, U.S. President Barack Obama will grab his crotch for the remainder of his administration when criticized by Republicans on health care reform, Cuba relations, Syria or free community college, the Commander-in-Chief told reporters today.

“Like me, he has a lot of detractors and critics,’’ Obama said of Lynch. “Though instead of addressing them and trying to appease them, like I have to do, he simply lets the crotch grab do the talking. Adopting that move would save me a lot of superfluous posturing and fraudulent political hobnobbing with Republicans these last years in office.’’

Obama also admires how Lynch has repeatedly frustrated the press while fulfilling his obligation to appear before them this week leading up to the Super Bowl, he said. The President said he has “learned a thing or two” from Lynch’s tactics and will implement them when he doesn’t feel like talking during his weekly press conferences.

“Maybe instead of saying ‘I’m just here so I won’t get fined,’ like Lynch did, I will start saying, ‘I’m just here so I won’t get sanctioned by the U.N.’,” Obama said. “I’m one of the few world leaders that gives a weekly address and the truth is, most of the time, I just want to Beast Mode out of the questions and answers session and give shout-outs to random people and places.’’

Obama said he will also start wearing oversized sunglasses and a Beast Mode hat from Lynch’s sports apparel line to press conferences. He went on to mention that he is unfazed and even borderline blasé regarding rumors that House speaker John Boehner plans to sue him once again.

“I’m the best President in the game,” he yelled at an unsuspecting reporter. “When you try me with a sorry speaker like Boehner, this is the result you gonna get.” He then looked directly into a camera and asked, “You mad, bro?” followed by “Legion of Boom!”

When done discussing Lynch and the Seahawks, a reporter asked Obama about the controversial Keystone pipeline project. After thanking the journalist for “asking me that,” Obama stared into space for a few seconds and then replied with a series of shout-outs, reminiscent of Lynch’s press appearance this week.

“Shout-out to Hawaii,” Obama said. He then paused and gave shout-outs to Indonesia, Nigeria, Joe Biden, “all real Africans,” and his dog Bo.

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