Maduro avoids terrorist threat, can’t escape aliens, according to Presidential statement
SAN JOSE — While Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro was successfully able to the avoid the terrorists he said were waiting for him during his visit to Costa Rica, he wasn’t able to escape…aliens.
Maduro, who prior to his visit to the army-less Central American nation for the Community of Latin American and Caribbean States meeting warned that terrorists were waiting there for him, didn’t factor in the possibility of an alien abduction when devising his security strategy, a senior official said Thursday morning. Though Maduro and his staff rented out the entire Marriott in downtown San Jose, his security team was powerless to the mob of extraterrestrial beings that raided his room and transported him to the planet of Krongnad, according to a press statement from the presidential offices.
“What was originally thought to be a kidnap plot carried out by the imperialist Yanquis has now been confirmed to be an alien abduction,’’ according to the e-mailed statement. “President Maduro was returned from Krongnad safe and in good spirits, lacking only his comandante pajamas and mustache, which was removed by an extraterrestrial named Rotybein-Z4.’’
At news of Maduro’s disappearance, tens of thousands of Venezuelans took to the street to celebrate the end of his Bolivarian regime, only to have their hopes of revolution dashed when El Presidente appeared to give a live address from the lobby of the Marriott. Maduro, wearing a yellow Venezuelan baseball hat and a shirt that said I HEART KROGNAD, said the aliens had taken him to see his predecessor Hugo Chavez, and that he was alive and well, hanging out with Genghis Khan, Kim Jong-il, Kriss from the rap group Kriss Kross, Whitney Houston, and Artax, the horse that died in the swamp of sadness in the movie the Never Ending Story.
“Gracias a mis amigos los Alien, vi al nuestro querido Comandante Chavez por la primera vehz en muchoh mehseh,’’ Maduro said, thanking the aliens. “I happy to report he is alive and well, and he says Venezuela is on the right path, despite the absence of basic goods like toilet paper and rampant violence. He advised me to continue with his Bolivarian dream, and I gave him my word that I would.’’
Maduro also said that he signed an agreement to allow Krognad to be a part of the Petrocaribe alliance and that Venezuela will begin exporting crude oil there by the second quarter of this year. He also said he will lobby for Krognad to be able to participate in the Miss Universe pageant next year.