Gringo Man Dies of Boredom on a Valentine’s Date with Tica

“He didn’t even pick up the check,” Tica says

TERRAMALL – Raquel Mayorga has sworn off ever dating an extrañjero again after her gringo Valentine’s Day date died in his sleep at Terramall’s Tintos y Blancos restaurant Thursday night and failed to pick up the ₡40,000 tab.

According to Mayorga, she met Garrett Utley, a 28-year old from Ft. Lauderdale, at Profe’s bar in Zapote two weeks ago. The two talked for hours and Utley, who worked as a marine biologist, promised to take her out on an early Valentine’s Day date at her restaurant of choice.

After picking Mayorga up at her home Barrio Lujan, the two headed out for a romantic night of mediocre food and music at Tintos y Blancos in Terramall. Though the date seemed to be going well, Utley grew sleepy when Mayorga spoke of how much she loved dogs and the show the Big Bang Theory.

“He seemed like such nice guy at first,” Mayorga said. “But when I started talking about how much I liked chayote and Facebook, his eyes rolled back in his head and he just sat there motionless.”

Undeterred by her comatose companion, Mayorga said she talked about how to peel a mango and her road trip to San Ramon in 2010 for an additional 36 minutes before attempting to wake up Utley. When she finally touched his hand to rouse him from his sleep, she realized he was ice cold.

“It can be frio this time of year, so I put a jacket around his shoulders,” Mayorga said. “But when I did, he fell to the floor. It was then I realized that gringos were just as much of jerks as Ticos.”

Mayorga then asked the waiter for the check. When it arrived, she sat silently waiting for Utley to come to his senses and pay like a gentleman. After Utley lay motionless for an additional 22 minutes while Mayorga talked about the day she got her braces off, a waiter from Tintos y Blancos came to the table to close out the check.

He then said: “Creo que este mae esta muerto,” and asked Mayorga for the money.

Angered by Utley’s lack of tact, Mayorga paid the bill and began lecturing him about how to treat a woman. Utley then muttered “no mas, no mas” and began convulsing on the floor. By the time the paramedics arrived, Utley was ruled DOA. His death was determined to be a cause of excessive boredom brought on by a lack of stimulating conversation, the coroner’s report showed.

“He didn’t even offer me a ride home,” Mayorga said. “I had to take to the bus and didn’t get home until midnight. I was really tired the next day and didn’t even have time to pack my lunch for work.”

Mayorga said she will never go out with another “desgraciado gringo” again and plans to post selfies on Instagram tonight.

“His loss,” Mayorga said of Utley. “There’s a rom-com marathon with Ashton Kutcher for Valentine’s Day and I was going to invite him over to watch it with me and my family. Guess he’ll never know what fun he could have had with a mujer like me.”