Palmares Worst Nightmares Realized as Non-Alcoholic Beer Sponsors Festival

Sober partygoers discover standing in a field isn’t fun and that town, bands suck

PALMARES — Partiers received the shock of a lifetime this week when they arrived in the town of Palmares to learn that the 2014 edition of Costa Rica’s biggest fiesta would be sponsored by Kaiser, the country’s non-alcoholic beer.

The January event — normally backed by Costa Rica’s famed Imperial beer — attracts roughly 500,000 fiesteros in what is usually Costa Rica’s most robust, and drunkest, affair. Unfortunately this year’s edition, in an attempt to reduce drunken incidents such as guila groping, rampant theft, and uneventful Tico fighting, is sponsored by Kaiser, Costa Rica’s oatmeal-like, completely pointless 0.06%-alcohol beer.

“So many people make New Year’s resolutions to improve themselves and then completely fall back into their debaucherous ways at Palmares,” said Rosella Gatos of the Palmares Chamber of Commerce. “We decided this year we would prove to the masses that ‘Without Guaro, You’ll Feel Better Tomorrow’, which is this year’s festival slogan.”

While attending the sober kick-off last week, many Palmares-goers realized something they’d failed to notice in previous years.

“This place sucks,” said 27 year-old San Ramon resident Hector Aburrido between shot-gunning Kaiser Lights. “It’s just a big field with tents and people aimlessly standing around. I’ve come to Palmares every year for the last 10 years and never noticed that before. It’s obvious now you have to be loaded just to tolerate being in this pueblo.”

With the Alajuela town’s green pastures and hueco bars being seen with sober eyes, many attendees say they are feeling duped about what the festival really represents.

“I feel totally robbed, mae!” Gerardo Discontento soberly yelled outside a Fufo’s hotdog stand. “With guaro, this was a magical place. I am yet to see one person fall off a horse in the Tope, and with no guilas ebrias, I really don’t know what the demonios I’m still doing here.”

For others, the effects of the non-alcoholic beer went unnoticed for several hours.

“I was in Palmares, so I just assumed I was drunk,” said Jorge Tapis as he took a break from making balloon animals. “But when I realized the music was terrible and that no one had tried to rob me yet, I knew something was up.”

Despite the controversy, officials are still hoping the event will be a success. Sponsors have pleaded with guests to try Kaiser, promoting the beer’s soapy, grainy, and straw-like taste, which they advertise as “still better than Rock Ice’s Golden Monkey.”

Officials are also trying to sell discounted non-alcoholic Olafos and offering free pictures with the Kaiser girls, dressed in loose-fitting jeans and turtleneck sweaters. The festival organizers’ biggest remaining concern is that there’s a chance the sober masses will realize that the festival’s closing act —  quasi-singer and rapper Sean Paul — is actually just a babbling, unintelligible, talentless clown-human.

“I’ve actually never heard a Sean Paul song sober,” said Carolina Malgusto. “Just the thought of it is terrifying.”